I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
