I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
