we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
