I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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