just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
