He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
