I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
