I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
