think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
