You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
