Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
