I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
