so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
