Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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