So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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