We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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