My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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