I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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