That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
