IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
