My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
