Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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