Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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