He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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