i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
