True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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