Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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