You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
