new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This baby is an asshole
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Randomize
