he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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