4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
