I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
