I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
