I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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