Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
