Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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