he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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