Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
True strength comes from lack of pants
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
