dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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