i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Found the puke drawer
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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