I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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