Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
His nipple licking is glorious
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