My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
