My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
