I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
