I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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