I wish I only lived at night.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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