dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
