i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
