I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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