I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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