I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
false alarm, still single
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