you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
